Lobsta Rolls

ImageWhy is it that every time the battery on your smoke detector starts to get low it’s the middle of the night? That obnoxiously loud chirp, followed by a woman’s computerized voice saying, “WARNING. LOW BATTERY” at 1 am, startling you awake from vivid dreams about tsunamis, is terrifying. Why can’t that chirp and that warning message ever start in the middle of the day, when it’s bright, and you aren’t completely disoriented? 

Smoke detectors have kind of become the bane of my existence… At least for my existence last night anyway. I’m house-sitting for my parents right now. I spent the night tossing and turning on the couch trying to hide from the warning chirps because I was too lazy and sleepy to get out a ladder or a chair and attempt to change the smoke detector battery in their bedroom at 1 am. Once I moved to the couch, I realized how scary it was to be alone in my parents’ house. The living room has a lot of windows. And the yard is really big. And dark. And quiet. And I watched the Impossible a few hours before bed. Which isn’t necessarily a scary movie, but it’s sad and disturbing and rather graphic, hence the vivid tsunami dreams. So I basically started freaking myself out and barely slept at all, especially since I could still hear the sound of the warning chirp coming from down the hallway every 5 minutes. And this morning, when I got out the ladder, I still could not reach the smoke detector to change the battery! Those things should have a remote, so that you can at least shut the freakin thing up until you can find a taller human being to come over and help you fix the stupid thing.

These are the moments where I wish I had a man. Sure, a husband or a live in boyfriend would be ideal. But sometimes I just think that a man servant would suffice. Like a butler. Or a male bitch. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about being an independent woman and burning my bra and all that (okay, not really. I wouldn’t exactly call myself a feminist). But sometimes, I’m just too lazy or unmotivated to worry about doing it all myself. And I want some tall, strong, handsome man to do the work for me. Like change the battery in my smoke detector. Or put air in my tires. Or carry heavy objects up the two flights of stairs to my apt. Or purchase, cook, crack and pick a lobster tail. 

Alas. I have no such man servant. Or butler. Or even a potential dating prospect to eventually serve in this capacity. So when I read the recipe for lobster rolls in this issue of Real Simple and they suggested buying frozen lobster (as opposed to live, scary ones), I thought it was such a genius idea. If Martha Stewart is endorsing frozen lobster tails, it can’t be that bad, right? However, when I read the recipe more closely, I realized they still intended for you to buy a lobster tail and cook and pick it. But I was fortunate enough to find already picked, packed in water, fully cooked and frozen Maine lobster. I was a little wary of buying lobster this way, but I decided to take a walk on the wild side. And it was actually really good and made for a much easier version of lobster roll than I had ever imagined.

So despite my new, easy recipe for lobster roll, I’m still looking for someone to change the battery in my smoke detector, help me with my car, and do other various manly things. So if there’s any tall, young bucks out there who are free this evening, lemme know.




  • 8 oz of cooked lobster, thawed if using frozen
  • 2 tbs of mayonnaise 
  • 1 ear of corn
  • 2-3 celery sticks, thinly sliced
  • 1 tbs of lemon juice
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 3-4 dashes of Tabasco
  • 4 small cibatta buns, lightly toasted with butter


Steam the corn in a pot of boiling water for about 6 minutes. Remove and lightly butter the ear. Once it cools, remove it from the cob.

Combine corn, celery, lobster, mayo, lemon juice, and salt and pepper in a bowl. Slowly add in a few dashes of Tabasco, and more mayo and lemon juice if needed until it’s the desired taste and consistency you desire.

Spread on your lightly toasted buns and serve. 

Notes: The first time I ever had a lobster roll, the bread was dry. Good bread is key to a good lobster roll! I really liked the addition of the Tabasco here to give it some heat and help cut on the buttery sweetness of the dish. Feel free to substitute the mayo with veganaise. And I’m calling these “lobsta” rolls simply because I think it’s funny to say “lobsta” instead of “lobster.” 


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